Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
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One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
That 👊
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.