No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
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My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal