Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
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I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
My what?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”