Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
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My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
This line from Airplane.
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.