Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
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My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.