I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
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If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.