Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
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Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
🤯🤯🤯
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
a lot to unpack here
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.