theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
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the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.