Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
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For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Mountain Goat : )
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.