Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
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“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep