[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
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One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*