🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
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niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Feels
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.