Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap