Geez man, take it easy.
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My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Birds & Planes.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.