wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
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Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
buys donuts instead
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not