the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
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“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Customer is always right
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever