I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
You Might Also Like
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
tourist season
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
@ candidates for local office
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Okay