Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
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I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
ME:
ME:
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!