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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.