Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
You Might Also Like
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Facebook memories be like
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I only eat vegetarians.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.