My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
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People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
new record!
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG