it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
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I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*