If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
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My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%