Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
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My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.