Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
You Might Also Like
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I did not eat the cake…
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
it’s the silliest best thing
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.