COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
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Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.