Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
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[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Not now. I’m deglazing.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER