My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
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NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.