Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
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Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…