Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
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You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
This is my emotional support knife.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.