A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
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If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?