THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
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Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
This one’s “Alex”.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already