When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
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THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you