Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
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Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first