My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
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The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.