Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
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Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Alexa, make me look good naked.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”