I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
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I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.