Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
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Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“