Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
You Might Also Like
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.