NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
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If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.