BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
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Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Received some very disappointing news today
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet