I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
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[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
wow he looks just like him
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
My friend is an excellent librarian.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.