[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
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2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
My life coach traded me.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.