ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
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all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
LOL
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]