Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
You Might Also Like
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.