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What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.