how was your vacation
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Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My wedding will be open casket.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.