*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
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[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
If a snake ate a cake
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
All. The. Damn. Time.