Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
$4 #usedbooks
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.