So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
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Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
We are the people our parents warned us about.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie